Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Brooklyn Vegan Reveals the Music of the Future

In the relatively recent morass of comments found on Brooklyn Vegan, it appears that every genre of music is no longer being identified by what it always has been. Genres are dying and sub-genres just entered postmortem. Forget your indie rock, your punk, your death metal and all else; for Brooklyn Vegan's commenting community has made it easier for us all. Tired of explaining to your friends why Band X is mainly Genre A with traces of Genre B? Fed up with pretentious genre labels and analytical critique of music? Well now you don't have to! From this point on, all music is being split into two simple categories: sausage and non-sausage.

Frequent commenter “Anonymous” boldly states, “Well, music only exists to get chicks into bed, so if it's a band who has more guy fans than girl fans, we call them 'sausage' because their shows end up being sausage fests.” Another commenter, also known as “Anonymous” continues with the notion; “Yeah, shows are all about looking to hook up. We don't even pay attention to the music. If you're good enough to pull a girl between songs when she can't really hear you anyway, you know you're good. So that's why we go to these shows – to see how good we are.” Experts suggest that general, arbitrary young female sluttiness remains the most deciding factor in this matter, though BV commentators posit otherwise.

Unfortunately, the ratio of more sausage than non-sausage music covered has legions of commentators up in arms. One particular commenter, known for wiping tears away from his eyes, recalls the time that he couldn't find enough non-sausage pictures to figure out what show he could pull bitches at the quickest. “It's so awful,” he mutters. “Why do so many musicians have to be too fat, too ugly, too poorly-dressed or play too heavy for girls to want to see? Where else am I supposed to meet easy girls at?” Another anonymous chimes in; “Yeah, when you like a band with gross members, it means you're gross too. And if the band sounds like, too loud or weird, then it means you're weird and crazy. It's weird.” Haha, now it all makes sense. How silly have we been all this time for treating music as a varied art form and not as the social binding agent it really is? Thankfully, BV's commentators have shed the light upon us.

 Javelina: From Sludge Metal to Fat Rock in less time than it would take Chubbs to eat a bowl of Chili     

It appears that metal and punk heats them the most, though. Considering that literally all those musicians are overweight, ugly, dumb and live in their parents basements, it should come as no surprise that they won't reel in the good nookie. “The nookie crumbles the cookie, especially in music,” says Anonymous. “Besides, metal is loud and scary and evil and noisy and it makes me confused. Women confuse me enough, so I don't need that shit,” says another commenter whilst stroking his striped scarf. Words of wisdom, indeed. Especially if you're considering starting a band. Make sure you write at least fifty songs people can get laid or dance to, and if you decide to change your sound a bit, don't dare touch the gain knob on your amp, or you'll become sausage: zero female fans, zero groupies. But the worst fate of all that you'll suffer will be Brooklyn Vegan commentators evaluating your performance. Executive Tear Wiper, head of the Brooklyn Vegan Fashion Committee reminds us, “These pics of bands are just like snapshots of models on the runway – except this time everyone looks as bad as possible and we turn it into a humor thing. Like, the instruments they hold are just props to enhance the shot; it's not like any of those guys can actually play or anything.”

Hopefully, this socially-useful information can trickle out to the younger generation. With knowledge like this, even the shy guys have a chance. Under these circumstances, your socially inept sons can go to a show and get a girl without saying much, and your precocious teenage daughters can know where to be found and seen even more! Troubled parents from across the nation are celebrating. One parent says, “Thank you Brooklyn Vegan. All the music you cover is awful, but at least my kids know the right shows to go to.” Another gives her thanks; “I'm so glad the commentators at Brooklyn Vegan made sure that all that punky rock and deaf metal look uncool – I don't need my teenagers around that sort of stuff.” What will become of such things as twee pop, alternative rock, house and trance remains to be seen as fully, though it's already on a similar route. Notably, for the best bands on the site, finding the right cameraman is just as important as the music itself. “Because audience shots are more important than band shots, yet usually fewer in number, the cameraman must be skilled yet not be as into the music as everyone else", explains the owner of a sausage-frowning venue.

On a conclusive note, if the band's article sees the word 'sausage' pop up in the comments at any time, avoid that band at all costs. Rare exceptions do exist however, and must be taken with some discretion. For example, “Sausage” didn't pop up in a Danzig article, which confirms that you might pull a girl – she'll just be a pasty, somewhat overweight twenty-something that you'll regret boning the next morning. So be sure to browse regularly, and keep up on the latest trends, sound fashion and opinions for your active lifestyle! I will spread the word about BV's valuable, resourceful credentials, and you should too.

                                         How much deer sausage can you handle?


  1. shut up cocktorn

  2. To quote Petrus T Steele:

    "Women will never know or understand, the power that men feel to kill with their hands"

    If a band has more female fans than male fans, chances are that the band in question is absolutely fucking terrible.

  3. What is this Anonymous wanker talking about? Sausage and non-sausage my fucking arse, what about women in bands? I'm in a fucking sludge band that would melt your head, you cunt, what do you say to that?

  4. Gotta love the 2000's + generation of metalheads. Trying to relive past glories with mediocre music and social media. Knelt Rote sucks shit cocktorn.

  5. This is what kills artistic music, this attitude.