Friday, June 24, 2011

The metal nerd's collection (Part 3 of 3)



Well, here we are at the final installation of the metal nerd's collection. I hope you've enjoyed this jaunt into the mind of an irredeemable asshole and have narrowed your musical horizons as a result. I know I have on both counts.

1. Skyclad - I almost feel bad about this one because it's not like they're bad, but still, Skyclad is an incredibly nerdy band to like. Perhaps the first folk metal band, Skyclad allows the metal nerd to listen to a folk metal group that not only predates the bulk wave of folk metal but doesn't particularly sound like the rest of it either. Along with this is a huge discography precisely two people have heard the entirety of. A totally arbitrary favorite album can be chosen from the million they've released and it's completely legitimate because no one can contest your claim. This is one of the cases where the metal nerd wouldn't claim to LOVE the band in question, just to "appreciate their influence." Favorite album: inconsequential, but perhaps "A Burnt Offering for the Bone Idol," which is still out of print.

2. Enslaved - This is a perfect band for the metal nerd because there's so many different directions they can take it. Early Enslaved is formative but still unusual black metal, influential without being completely obvious. Mid-era Enslaved is a total mess of different ideas and influences, and any album can be chosen for an appropriate identity to be sculpted around it. Then there's the new material, which verges on hipster due to its very obvious prog rock influence by way of Pink Floyd, but could be a neat reverse gambit for the metal nerd. Enslaved is a totally open field to be a douche about; the only thing missing is the right nerd to fill the niche. Favorite album: debatable, but I'd go with "Isa" simply because I can see a nerd describing it as "a great fusion of Enslaved's propulsive, bouncing songwriting and their intelligent use of prog."

3. Asphyx - Similar to Incantation in that they're a doomy, oldschool death metal band (note: to the nerd, anything slower than Brain Drill "bears traces of doom heritage") with a long history and a wishy-washy comeback. Still, Asphyx are a challenging nerd pick because there's really only one album to hang their hat on, being of course "The Rack." Using this as a mark of musical taste has to go beyond namedrop and into deep pretense when dealing with a well-versed metalhead, so nerds out there should use discretion when attempting to talk up Asphyx: you're in for a lot of work beyond many of the other bands listed in this series. Favorite album: "The Rack," simply because, what, do you think someone's ACTUALLY going to believe that you think "Last One on Earth" is their best? Please.

4. At the Gates - No, not the later material of course: I'm talking about "The Red in the Sky is Ours." A strange sort of polyglot album at the beginning of a band's career that was both influential and a departure from similar artists and doesn't really mark the direction the band would go in later? Sign the nerd right up. At the Gates' first has just enough esoteric elements and just small enough a listening base to be practically designed for nerd-worship, whether they actually like it or not. Favorite album: as mentioned, but be sure to mention a soft spot for "Slaughter of the Soul." It's become an amazing reverse gambit as of late to have an unnecessarily positive opinion of it.

5. Bone Awl - Cheating a bit simply because they're more obscure than the others, but I think they still deserve a place. Bone Awl has a sprawling discography, boring, samey music, and a mock-DIY aesthetic, all of which place this squarely in the nerd's fiefdom. Their intelligent lyrics mixed with the brackish, simplistic instrumentation suggests a non-existent depth that the nerd can pick apart forever if he wants and the punk influence is a great way to feel tougher than he actually is. Favorite album: could be anything, really, but I'd go with "At the Ellipse's Arc" simply so the nerd can talk about the band's "challenging use of third reich symbolism" in the cover art.

And that's a wrap. Music is gay.

18 comments:

  1. You bitch about metal nerds and then pull the ultimate metal nerd maneuver and hope on the recently fashionable NWOHBM bandwagon with the Angel Witch song.

    Trial By Fail.

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  2. hahaha angel witch has been around since the paleolithic era, it's not like it's some unknown private press shit loser

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  3. Great post, I was surprised "Drudkh" weren't on the list. Lots of people like to pretend to enjoy their music and claim they didn't release the same album 40 times.

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  4. To be fair I hadn't heard Angel Witch until pavel's recent post and that's saying something from someone who is a fucking nerd (metal or not).

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  5. The only people who listen to Bone Awl are poor bastards who can't afford Ildjarn albums.

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  6. @anon 1: Unsurprisingly, you have completely misunderstood the metal nerd posts. It's not about whether the nerd's favorite band is particularly fashionable or particularly obscure, it's about his fetishizing style/genre to such an extent that the music itself becomes unimportant. It's about listening to a band just to say you listen to them.

    When we praise a band, we do it because we like the songs. When we rip on popular bands, we do it because we think their music is actually bad, or nothing special. It's that simple.

    And since you brought up bandwagons, the only thing worse than being compulsively trendy is building your musical identity around an obsolete trend. Satanic Warmaster? Goatmoon? These bands aren't just lame, they're not even fashionable anymore.

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  7. Oh Pavel, you dumb fuck, that statement is so rife with stupidity I don't know where to start, so I'll begin witht he most blatant. I know it might blow that little brain of yours when you realize that people actually enjoy Goatmoon or SW because of they're just fun. They're just blatant, dirty fun. It has nothing to with being fashionable, now or int he past. You two fucks are so caught up in pretending you don't care, but I can smell the fucking insecurities of both of you from here. At the end of the day, it's just music. Don't fucking over think it. You two only have so many brain cells to burn through.

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  8. lol the statement you use to defend satanic warmaster and goatmoon is the same statement people use to defend iwrestledabearonce.

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  9. (the rebuttal of course is that you can have fun without being pathetic like sw and goatmoon undoubtedly are)

    "well i like goatmoon because i'm just a regular beer-drinking son of a bitch :)"

    the refrain of pitchfork beta males everywhere

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  10. If you really thought "they're just fun, dudes!" I doubt you would have blown a fucking aneurysm because two people on the internet said mean things about them. And as far as fun goes, I think you were on a better track with Carpathian Forest.

    I'm not sure how we "pretend we don't care." As far as I can tell, everything about this blog screams "we care a lot!" What we care about is music, and we're interested in questions like "how does music work?" and "what makes music good?" What we don't care about is who we offend.

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  11. I just realized that Ved Buens Ende would have been perfect for this list. Everything about them nearly makes them a nerd magnet; strange, ambiguous band name/song titles + artsy, abstract pretense to songwriting + some strange relation to black metal? Written in Waters is like the ONE album that all the 'sophisticated' BM fans praise for being some unique evolutionary step or something, and it annoys me nearly as much as when people say the same about Weakling. Despite all this, VBE is still pretty cool and neat to listen to when you're camping out in the mountains and shit.

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  12. VBE was really cool maybe four or five years ago, during that whole "post-black" phase, but I don't think they get you nearly as much nerd-cred nowadays.

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  13. VBE and In The Woods have always been on my "bands to listen to" list. Don't even get me started on Weakling, though... my god that band blows. Agreed that they were a far cry from the "evolutionary" BM band they presented themselves as... Throwing in a wanky guitar solo isn't progress, it just sucks.

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  14. Honestly, it's people like you that are ruining metal, Noktorn. Just hopping on whatever is trendy, and calling everybody who dislikes whats trendy a 'nerd'. I know that you're scene friends wont like it if you listen to Enslaved, as they don't have br00tal breakdowns, but you're not impressing anybody by posting this.

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  15. lol immolation/gorguts/incantation/et al are trendy as fuck you ignorant cunt

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  16. btw i love enslaved you fucking nerd

    (also: you're fat)

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  17. I actually think LOoE is Aspyx's best. What now?

    And about Drudkh, I WISH they'd release the same album 40 times, at least then I could love all of them and not just the first ... 8 or whatever.

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