Thursday, June 9, 2011

Let's test your reasoning ability

Okay, I think this post will be the litmus test as to whether you should be reading this blog. We're going to do a little experiment and see whether you can properly figure this out where the rest of the metal scene clearly hasn't; if you comment with the right answer, you can read. If you have the wrong answer, I will ship you a shiny red ball to play with at the next Municipal Waste show you got to.

So over in New Zealand, cops seized a bunch of Cradle of Filth shirts for violating what amounts to blasphemy laws. Without reading the article, you already know which shirt design it was, don't you? In fact, don't read the above article at all; it won't tell you anything relevant. But I want you to keep in mind that all you have to hear is 'Cradle of Filth shirt seized' and you immediately know which one it was. This is important.

Predictably, Blabbermouth's comment section is filled with people talking about censorship and Christianity as though that's actually what any of this is about. Because most metalheads have all the intelligence of the average pothead 16 year old, they're biting on the narrative of this story hook, line, and sinker without bothering to question some of the odd elements of it. Remember, if it doesn't make sense, there's probably something more to the story. And there is! Because people don't bother reading primary sources anymore, they'll completely dismiss the link to the original news article from New Zealand that Blabbermouth took, edited, and repurposed for the metal crowd. Let's pay attention to one line tucked away at the end of that article:

Mr Skill showed another example of his merchandise – a shirt bearing the words "F*** me Jesus", but said police had "not been interested in it".

So, the important stuff about this whole incident:

1. Cops seize a bunch of Cradle of Filth shirts from a store.
2. Without hearing any details, you know which design they seized.
3. The cops were uninterested in a shirt which violates the same laws in nearly the same way.

Put all of these together in your mind and comment below. I want to see if our readers do better than Blabbermouth.

(Remember, what people want you to think is rarely what's actually happening.)


  1. i got it: the new zealand police are huge Diocletian fans, and think Cradle of Filth is for pussies!

  2. jesus is a cunt. I hate cradle of filth.

    does any of this have to do with Chyna's (yes the wrestler Chyna) new anal porno on vivid video?

  3. ugh. i've seen screencaps of the old one night in chyna video. that woman has a clit larger than the sun.

  4. leave it to an extreme metal blog to turn into a forum on anal porn

  5. Dude... Her clit is bigger than the head of my cock.

  6. New Zealand and Australia have always had weird censorship laws. Last I heard, it was still hard to import a copy of Fulci's "Zombi."

    I don't know anything about Cradle of Filth. Other than the fact that they suck. Chyna was a bad wrestler, too.

  7. I'm not wasting any of my few and far between braincells even thinking about Cradle of Filth and Blabbermouth comments. Urg, I already did... Fuck you.

  8. Well I really want to know the answer to this, so I'll throw a guess in. My instinct is telling me that the shirts weren't confiscated due to being blasphemous or whatever, but because the shirts in question specifically displays the word "cunt", which is considered too offensive and derogatory towards women in most societies to be allowed to be worn in public. At least, that's what makes the most sense, considering those shirts were taken yet the police didn't take the "Fuck Me Jesus" ones. A matter of semantics, I suppose.

  9. What I'm really getting at is that this has nothing to do with blasphemy, obscenity, or anything to do with actually upholding the law. The New Zealand police want to appear functional and working for the will of the people, and so they seized this particular shirt which has history and notability behind it (note how we all know what it is as soon as I say CoF.) But by ignoring other, nearly identical shirts from another, less popular band, they tip their hand and show that this has less to do with the law and more to do with celebrity status and visibility for the cops.

    Of course, metalheads desperately want to believe they're being oppressed, so no one bothers to read between the lines.

  10. Can't say I'm surprised. Civil servants are nothing more than sprawling parasites. Look closer, you will only find self-interest. They will do anything to draw a bead on their pathetic, tiresome notions of "progress".