Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Hypehammer: What do Destroyer 666 and Katharsis have in common? They both suck.


In our Hypehammer posts we usually select a shitty new album, suffer through it, and then sit down together to talk about how much it sucks. This time, though, we were just having a casual AIM conversation, ripping on massively overrated bands, and realized it'd be worth working up into a post. Basically, we got on the subject of Destroyer 666, and took it from there.

N: All that Australian black/thrash sucks.

P: Eh, I really like some of those bands, but Destroyer 666 blows.

N: They're fucking awful. Like, all their music, not just the newest stuff. It's the most boring shit in the world. I seriously feel like I'm listening to a different band from other people.

P: Same! Seriously, to me they're the perfect example of music where "melodic" and "epic" are just these vapid catchphrases referring to "riffs that aren't dissonant" and "really long songs."

N: I'd rather listen to Katy Perry than D666.

P: Ooof. Not sure I'd go that far. But at least she's hot.

N: Whoa, really? She's not at all attractive to me. She looks like a soccer mom but not in a milfy way, more like a "let herself go" way.

P: Well, don't get me wrong, I'm Team Gaga all the way. But speaking of looks and music... maybe that has something to do with why people like D666.

N: What do you mean?

P: Well, they LOOK great. They look more metal than almost any other band. And so maybe people expect the music to be awesome, and just trick themselves into liking it?

N: I don't know man, i think any band that has to lean THAT heavily on traditional metal imagery probably sucks ass.

P: I think it's a cool style, but anyway, war metal guys are usually fat Nazis, right?

N: The way it should be!

P: And in contrast D666 are, like, the prettyboys of war metal. They look like the Paladin characters kids create in RPGS. But they're also wearing spikes n shit, which makes them evil and warlike, or whatever. Everyone sees them and thinks "whoa, those guys are impressive! they must be legit!" But when it comes down to it their music blows.

N: They literally just sound like a 50/50 fusion of the ideas of 'death metal' and 'black metal' with zero personality of their own. It's like you put the wikipedia pages for the genres together and threw in some boring major key riffs.

P: They're also really into Teutonic thrash. But I actually can't believe how much they love Destruction, because it's like they completely missed the point. Fluid, intricate riffs? Short, dynamic songs that never get boring? Actually thrashing instead of occasionally using palm mutes to remind people of your "thrash metal influence?"

N: Actually, what they really sound like to me is modern Impaled Nazarene without the raw riffcraft and catchy songwriting. Way overly streamlined and modern but without that pop sense of fun and attitude that Impnaz has.

P: Hahahahah right on!

N: People keep talking about how sick D666's riffs are, but WHAT RIFFS ARE THEY!!??

P: Exactly.

N: I don't fucking hear any of them!

P: THERE ARENT ANY! There's just a series of flat tremolo powerchords, moving in totally predictable patterns from measure to measure. They don't have any momentum of their own, and the lack of a drumbeat (just blasting) makes it even worse.

N: Yeah, the only album of theirs I own is the newest and it's amazing how fucking static that music manages to be.

P: Yeah, you hear a "melody" happening and its just like "4 beats of this note, 4 beats of that, blasting keeps happening, 8 beats of this chord, ok cool. That was majestic, right guys? Right? Are my spikes on right?" To me, the guys who did this kind of music right were Marduk.

N: Yeah, though they shoulda stopped after Panzer Division Marduk.

P: Sure, but old Marduk rules. Actually, here's a theory of mine. Suppose you want to ferret out a well-concealed black metal poser. He's not a WITTR guy, and he actually knows a fair amount about black metal.

N: So, like a Hospital Productions "black metal and power electronics" guy?

P: Perfect example. So, tell him how much you love Marduk. He will dismiss them (and you) with the wave of a hand. Not only because they're Not Arty Enough, but because he knows that a lot of real headbangers hate them too, and that talking shit about Marduk is a Thing To Do.

N: And your point is?

P: Well, now he's taken the bait. Close the trap! Remind him that the kvlt Katharsis albums he so avidly collects follow pretty much exactly the same "blasting and chords" approach as a band like Marduk, except they DON'T HAVE ANY RIFFS. So, dude, why not bump some Panzer Division instead? Oh wait, because you're a fucking pussy.

N: Katharsis fucking blows. Don't even talk about them to me. God. I suffered through vvorldvvithoutend to review it. Oh my god. Stealing from Darkthrone but taking 10 minutes per song to do it.

P: They are so impotent. They just let the chords hang there, as if they spoke for themselves.

N: What a weak fucking band.

The moral of this story, children, is that Marduk owns.

12 comments:

  1. Let's not shit ourselves just so eagerly now. Since Cold Steel exists, so this pretty much reads like a troll post. And if Marduk ever had any riffs, they were surely blown apart by the tank on the PDM cover. Marduk isn't so much a name as it is a translation for, "Sheet metal getting blended at a Dork Funeral show."

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  2. I've been listening to Marduk's second, third, and fourth albums almost nonstop last week, and I had a very similar epiphany. Marduk is a great band for weeding out hipsters, since they're really awesome but also totally "uncool". The second Enthroned album and the first Melechesh album also do a much better job of continuing the Marduk legacy than Marduk did themselves after Panzer Division, but that's beside the point.

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  3. @First anonymous: Even if we were to concede that Cold Steel was a good album--and we beg to differ--that isn't enough to justify D666's reputation as "underground legends" or whatever. And sure, Panzer Division is not as riffy as Marduk's earlier stuff, but the riffs WORK with the drums in a way that neither D666 nor Katharsis have achieved.

    Also, if you think of "sheet metal getting blended" as something that sounds bad, you should probably avoid black metal altogether.

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    1. Who ever motherfucking cunt made this shitty thread is a fucking cunt, all it is is a bunch of wannabe metalhead poser fucking cunts, talking shit about a great band, their a bunch of worthless cunts, Marduk is one of the most boring and generic black metal bands ive ever fucking heard, Fuck marduk Fuck these fucking faggot cunts who dont know shit about good music, and I hope they all get their ballsacks ripped open by a grizzly bear whilst I rape their whore mothers.

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    2. Also that fucking fag called *p* on that Hypehammer thing is a fucking cunt

      When he says the looks have something to do with why people like destroyer 666 proves how fucking stupid he is, justin fucking bieber is about the looks, fucking worthless cunt. I hope they all get raped by an elephants cock.

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  4. @Second anonymous: Right on, dude.

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  5. destroyer 666 is for fucking faggots, anon 1 don't read my blog anymore

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  6. LOL @Noktorn, go back to your shitty reviews and your worthless blog!

    "I'm a retard who thinks he's funny"
    -pavel

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  7. lol why don't you just cop to which butthurt member of the public you are instead of fagging out anonymously

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  8. You need to pay some more attention to Destroyer 666. Yes, their riff department is kinda weak (that's my main problem with them too) but the point is in everything else. And I'm not talking about image, but about the inner determination that the entity brings out, the willpower. Read their lyrics, especially in "Defiance", it's 50 times more interesting stuff than Marduk, you don't often find that kind of adult, brutal honesty in metal (their philosophy is right wingish though, but I'm sure all you kids are mature enough to weed out something you don't need from a band).

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  9. Who ever fucking cunt made this thread is a fucking faggot, marduk is average and generic as fuck, destroyer 666 is better than that shit, I bet these people are a bunch of metalhead wannabe poser fucking cunts, destroyer 666 has more musical talent than their shitty generic black metal bands, fuck you all your a bunch of poser cunts,

    Rather listen to katty perry? Thats because your a stupid fucking teeny popper poser cunt, go fuck yourselfs, fucking faggots.

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