Monday, May 9, 2011

Demo-lition: Frosthammer - The Cold Wind of Eternity

Frosthammer is a completely pointless and stupid 'black metal' band from Canada whose FOURTH demo was released on March 17th, 2011. Some jackass from the band named Necrodruid unfortunately sent this to me.

Pavel: I'm not going to lie, I didn't listen to the whole thing. I couldn't.

Noktorn: It's cool, I didn't either

P: The really dumb thing about this is that I think it's actually serious in some way. Like, the songs aren't completely aimless. They were clearly laid out and written and composed, and the lyrics don't read like jokes; they just sound like really shitty 8th grade poetry.

N: I think that it's a bunch of people who want to make real music but aren't confident enough in themselves so they couch everything like it's a joke so they have that safety net to fall back on.

P: The clean vocals are literally the worst clean vocals I've ever heard. And the drum programming is hilarious.

N: I think all the instruments are synthesized.

P: Yeah, the guitars do have a fake, tinkly Evanescence quality.

N: The thing that fucks with me is that it looks like a joke, but the most obvious part of a joke band in metal is that it's a coherent parody of something specific, but this isn't.

P: Exactly, it's not coherent and it has no actual target. It's not really making fun of black metal conventions because it has nothing to do with those. It's literally some of the most pointless shit I've ever heard in my life. If it's serious, it's complete shit. If it's a joke, it's not even funny and it doesn't even feel like they're TRYING to be funny.

N: This is a case where I'd say that the kids doing this should really be doing something constructive like doing drugs and getting arrested.

P: Yeah, I mean, if these were just some kids who really liked Darkthrone, went to black metal shows, and failed at burning down a church because the kerosene wouldn't light or something, I could respect that! Even if the music turned out to be completely shitty, at least it could come from a place that I would appreciate way more than whatever this is.

N: Was this actually easier to make than real music? I mean, most joke bands put out one, maybe two demos if they're ambitious. This is their fucking FOURTH demo! The sheer amount of time spent on this shit is totally crazy! It's like the kid in high school who spent three times as much time figuring out how to cheat on a test instead of just studying and passing it normally. Seriously, what the fuck is the point of this?

P: You know, I think this really might be the most evil, suicidal black metal ever made because it simply offers you nothing. After twenty minutes of listening to it, all you are is twenty minutes closer to death. It's incredibly bleak and nihilistic. I actually feel like I've permanently lost something by spending the time even talking about it.

N: I would say it's some sort of postmodern commentary on the futility of art and music, but let's face it: the guys who made this aren't smart enough for that.

P: It's a pathetic cry for attention. Whether it's serious or a joke, that's all it is.

You can listen to Frosthammer (but I wouldn't recommend it) here:


  1. Hahahahaha... oh man. I hope you've made bands hate you and cry over these reviews. So good haha.

  2. Oh... and i only made it 38 seconds.